Yesterday, the 19th of May, 19 years ago, my mom passed away. And even though I remember every moment of this day like it was yesterday, I didn’t remember it – yesterday.
I remember my mom on her birthday (like google does for all the famous people) and on Mother’s Day. (Although for the most part I think about the Earth on Mother’s Day).
19 years ago and a day, my mom passed away. Two weeks into my Saturn return (I didn’t know what that was at the time) and 40 days later I left the country I was born into and grew up in (in this lifetime) and moved to the south of France.
A week later I visited the states for the first time (in this lifetime), the Silicon Valley to be precise for a 4-week business trip. I stayed in Santa Clara for 3 weeks followed by a week-long conference in San Francisco.
For the first couple of years I remembered the date kinaesthetically; I was sad before I could remember why.
Now what I remember is my brother’s marriage anniversary on the 20th. Maybe I’d rather celebrate the living than remember the dead.
So 19 years, aha and what do I have to show for it?
Maybe it started a year earlier when I got the customer-facing role and I travelled all over Europe and Asia on trips of 1 to 3 weeks.
And every time I was away I was free. Free from the fears, the dread, the sadness, free from the feeling, physical sensations of pain, dreams / nightmares. And every time I landed they all came rushing back.
The fears that my mom was dying, that she can pick up on my fears of her dying and it will somehow affect her condition. Already then I was aware of the power of the mind over the body and suggestions, positive and negative suggestions. So I was afraid she will pick up on my own thoughts and that would convince her that she is dying and then she will die.
I didn’t know what a ‘sensitive’ was at the time or an ‘Empath’ or that I am one.
All I knew, I could feel my mom’s despair from miles away. I found out that I woke up every morning at the same time as she did, having nightmares and suffered similar physical symptoms as she did. I was literally thinking her thoughts, feeling her emotions, and sensing her pain. And when I left the country on business trips I was free. And when I landed the ‘nightmare’ returned.
So I remember every minute of the day my mom died and I knew the minute she passed away. I could feel her leaving my psyche. And the following night was so quiet since I couldn’t hear her thoughts anymore.
My sensitivity and empathy were tested to the extreme; I was baptized by fire. And years later when I learned what that meant, I had a reference point, an experience to relate to.
So 19 years ago and a day, my mom passed away and 40 days later I left the country I was born into and moved to the south of France. A week later I visited the US for the first time, the Silicon Valley to be precise and now I am back in the Valley looking to make it my home.
I started writing this piece, thinking, what do I have to show for the last 19 years. I don’t have my own home (at the moment) or a job (yet) or a significant other (yet), what was all this hero’s journey about?
And then I wrote the word ‘Empath’.
This wasn’t a hero’s journey to getting my “white picket fence”, it was/is a hero’s journey of becoming who I am.
RIP Mom,
I AM!!
Love you Mom!!
Love yourself,
~Leor
I’ve googled some definitions for you 🙂
Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world.
The Hero’s Journey is a pattern of narrative identified by the American scholar Joseph Campbell that appears in drama, storytelling, myth, religious ritual, and psychological development.
According to western astrology when Saturn “returns” to the degree in its orbit occupied at the time of birth, a person crosses over a major threshold and enters the next stage of life. In the first Saturn return, a person leaves youth behind and enters adulthood.
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